Ugly Reflections

“Jenn you look heavy,” Callie said gently, breaking a silence. We were discussing how to stand up for ourselves and it had transported me to so many different places in my past, summoned up so many different people. I looked at Callie and smiled at her recognition and I sighed. “I have a lot of thoughts on this,” I said and the group stared at me. Continue, continue.

“I am someone who will show you all my cards up front,” I said waiting for looks of judgement and pity. What a dumb girl. There were only looks of admiration staring back at me. “But I do that because Im not ashamed of any of my cards. Im a human, we all are, and whats the point of life if we hide ourselves from others? I want others to feel safe. Ill protect your cards. Its my nature.”  I thought about what I had just said and realized for the first time my ability to be vulnerable is not an act of absolute stupidity, but actually a sign of my own confidence and strength. “And a lot of the time people use that against me.” Because they are insecure and weak. “But I continue to do it because theres always that one time that you find someone who appreciates this, connects with you and protects your cards too- and that becomes a special relationship and bond. And it’s so rare and beautiful and so worth it. Callie smiled at me with huge understanding blue green eyes. 

“Im thinking specifically about work,” I trailed off, transported back into my HR Managers office full of little trinkets and signs that say “Little things make big days” or “Attitude determines your direction.” In the middle of all this whimsey and encouragement sits my HR Director, a woman that resembles a warthog and when I stand next to her, she is the length of one of my legs. “I always hate to have these conversations, they are so hard,” she began, raising her drawn on eyebrows up on her leathery skin, her face smug. She didnt look like someone who hated having these conversations- she seemed, almost delighted. “We need to talk about your grooming,” she said. I stared blankly back at her. Continue continue. 

“If you dont care about yourself, how are we expected to care about you?” She said and she couldnt even hide her smile. She looked like the Grinch right before he steals Cindy Loo Hoos presents. I looked down at my outfit- brown trousers and a sleeveless blouse. My hair was pulled back in a bun, yes, but- I sniffed under my arm- no it smelled fine. “You fit in perfectly in the beginning, lets get back to that,” she concluded and I let her words swirl around me, trying to not let any of them in. 

“Thats incredibly insensitive,” one of the psychologists said to me, all the other orange chair members nodding in agreement. “The way she phrased that is an attack, not a conversation built off of genuine care or concern,” the psychologist validated. I nodded too. “But my question is, how do I stand up for myself if I am a subordinate to her? If my relationship with her affects my paycheck and benefits?”

Everyone was silent. 

“Im not going to stand up and say, youre a cruel bitch- sorry for my language Janet,” I said and tiny, elderly, slightly hunchbacked Janet cringed uncomfortably at the word bitch. “Ill get fired,” I continued. 

“What if you reported her to management?” Jeff said. “No, management looks out for management. No one will look out for you if youre not important enough.” I said and the psychologists nodded in agreement sadly. 

“Why is she so mean? I mean geeze, shes Human Resources?” Callie said, flabbergasted.

“Because she can be,” I said. 

If you want to see someone’s true character, give them a little bit of power and see how they treat others. Watch how the CEO treats his assistant, how a guest treats waitstaff at a restaurant, watch how someone you love uses that power you gave them-watch how they treat you. Watch our morally bankrupt, evil President of the United States- could there be a more clear example of the danger abuse of power creates? 

“It sounds like an incredibly toxic work environment,” one of the psychologists told me. 

 I agreed. “But I cant stand up for myself or put any of them in their place, I just have to leave the environment and find a new job. And they will always think they won. There wont ever be any repercussions for their behavior. It’s so fucked up.” I looked at Janet apologetically and she was staring back at me. “It is fucked up,” she said. All of our faces shocked and Janet furrowing down in her chair trying to hide her smile. I reached out and held her hand and she looked at me with bashful blue eyes. 

People reveal their insecurities all the time thinking they are displaying confidence. They bottle up their feelings, judge others to make themselves feel better about their shitty lives, dim others light to brighten their own, prey on peoples authenticity and kindness, try to be in control of everything and have the upper hand. Never admitting anything real about themselves. Living at the expense of their ego. Newsflash- its fucking weak. And obviously so.

On behalf of those that try not to do any of that I can say yes- sometimes being vulnerable and authentic means you do get hurt- because people suck. But its never a reflection of you, its always, always an ugly reflection of themselves. When you finally realize this, you are no longer the victim- you are the threat. 

If someone wants to show you how ugly they are dont become ugly too. 

Be the mirror that reflects them