Becoming

The Dark Night of the Soul is not something you choose; it chooses you. And if it does, it probably means that you are a soul that’s tapped into the universe around you. Not just anyone gets to experience the loss of all joy, the will to live, and a crippling depression so overwhelming that you cannot get out of bed. When lying on the floor, slowly rotting into oblivion—or, if you are of great superior strength, if you’ve somehow made it to the shower, curled up in a ball while the water peels your body, your tears running down the drain—you realize this paralysis is coming from existential dread. The irony is that during this time, you are not existing at all. You are suspended in time, a higher form of yourself watching your pathetic self grapple with being a self.

My higher self is Amal Clooney. As I lay, gray and despondent, on the floor, the higher version of me—stylishly dressed, with incredible hair, intelligent and compassionate, unconcerned with material things but also able to possess all the material things one could possibly want, secure in her position in the world and among humanity, confident, strong, brave, fighting for others, causing ripples to reverberate in space’s continuum, an unforgettable person in the lives that know her- is sitting at my desk, head in hand, looking at me.

I’m looking at her, and in my conscious mind, I’m feeling threatened, inferior, jealous, in contempt of her almost because, to my conscious mind, she’s not me, and I will never become her. I have failed in a way. There was some offramp during my journey I did not take that led me to be here, stuck to the floor like a spat-out piece of gum, and her to be there, above me, with long, luscious golden locks, her gum tucked away neatly in a Chanel purse.

In my conscious thought, I do not believe in myself and this causes me to not believe in others. The world is not here for me; it is an enemy posed against me—obstacle after obstacle, the fight to conquer anything an insurmountable feat. I believe I am an unchanging, permanent narrative of all my memories, that I am defined by things I have or do not have.

The only comfort is the thought that nothing matters, because if that’s true, the decision to lie facedown on this floor forever is valid. But this is not consciousness because this is not the truth.

The Dark Night of the Soul’s purpose is to put you on the floor and burn your ego into nothing but a pile of ash in order to reincarnate you. Because without this experience of loss of self, of doubt, of fear, there would be no way to learn what’s really true. Only certain people want to know what’s true. This is why not everyone experiences this. But we all should be curious and look at life with a sense of wonder- even the darkness. Life will test you, but it has to in order for you to see clearly, to become aware, to transform you into better and better versions of yourself.

And The Dark Night of the Soul will test you but it will also teach you what’s true, and it’s this:

Those fears, that loss of faith, are not your conscious thoughts. You think they are because it’s what is being said all around you, what you can discuss in a therapist’s chair. It feels concrete and real, but that “consciousness” is external. You will not find anything you are seeking in what is external from you. Everything you are looking for, you already possess; it is already inside of you—you are your soul, and that is your conscious being. Separate from the external world, separate from your physical body, you already know everything, and this sudden awareness brings you peace- comfort even.

There was one day, after what felt like many, many years of bad days, when I finally looked at my higher self, my Amal Clooney self, and I realized I was looking at me. There I was—calm, brave, full of love and hope. Not afraid, because the world is here for me, and I exist in all of it. We all do. None of us are the narratives of ourselves. We are ever changing, ever evolving souls. We are experiencers of life.

How freaking beautiful is that thought? Also, I’m not on drugs.

I was riding to work on the bus, wondering- why, when I’m swimming in the ocean, do I feel at peace? And I realized it’s because I feel connected to something bigger than me. I feel part of the world. But that feeling doesn’t have to stop once on land. Sitting on the bus, next to a man with rancid BO, I was suddenly struck with the realization—

“I am part of this bus,” I said.

BO man looked at me.

“I am this bus!” I said again, smiling. I pointed at him. “You are too!” I told him excitedly.

“That’s fucked up,” BO man said to me, shaking his head.

“I am here for you and you are here for me,” I said to him, my eyes shining.

The bus was packed and there was nowhere for him to move to, so he got out his phone to shield him from, well, me—me in my highest version. He was side-eyeing me, watching as I just smiled, looking around. The woman with the Labubu keychain, the fat man who works at the “Be Relax” spa outside of Gate 135, the flight attendant who has worked for the same airline for twenty years, the sweaty, agitated bus driver—

“I exist in all of them,” I said to myself. “They all exist in me.”

My eyes were welling up, and BO man was trying with all his might to lean as far away from me as he could, given the lack of space and uncomfortable proximity to me.

I remembered my grandfather.

“God gave us free will, he gave us all a choice, little love. It’s our choice.”

I am endless possibilities. I don’t have to listen to these external things that hold me back. I don’t have to be afraid of failure, of being powerless, of being not enough. I know, deep down, that my intentions are good, that I am thoughtful, I am good at loving others, that I have a lot to offer, a lot to give, and that I am not lost, that I’ve actually never been lost. I am on a path that’s entirely my own.

“Listen to that self, little love. That’s who you are, that’s how you realize your purpose,” Nunu told me.

“I love you, Nunu,” I said, missing him, but also realizing he never really left me—how love is infinite, how it transcends time.

BO man shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Nunu? The fuck…” He looked very fearful. This was becoming a very memorable bus ride to work for him.

I was also having a memorable bus ride, but experiencing a total lack of fear. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore. When you look at a tree, a person, an experience, an apple, and you realize it’s here for you, everything changes.

When I got to work I looked at Kenneth. When we saw each other we did our special dance- it’s goofy and probably embarrassing but it makes us laugh and life is supposed to be fun. Life is supposed to be fun.

“Kenneth,” I said as I was gliding across the stores marble floor moving my arms up and down in a twisty motion, “everything in here, is here for us to sell and to make money. All these people are here for us to meet and know, not just sell something to. This job is full of unexpected opportunity and blessings. We have no idea who we will meet today or what this day will provide for us. We both are so….” I paused, trying to think of the word. “Lucky,” I said, almost in disbelief.

Kenneth had stopped dancing and he is standing still, his attention rapt, beaming. His whole being looks lit up. He didn’t just hear my words, he felt them. People who feel your words, your thoughts, your emotions- never ever give those people up. Those people are your real life angels. The universe, your ancestors, your passed on loved ones talk to you through signs, and the people they send you are the biggest ones.

“Exactly,” he says and in that moment I feel so connected to him on such a deep level. I love knowing him and I know this day is going to be fun and meaningful and a gift to us both.

Again, please hear me out. I’m not on mind-altering substances.

This awareness of our connectedness to life and to others, is grounding. It’s affirming. It’s a strong sense of peace to our conscious and unconscious mind, our inner knowing that exists alongside the external anxieties. You are never without it, and if you let your inner awareness lead the way, you trust, you have faith, because you know you exist for a reason. You can co-create with the universe. The external world around you shifts and transforms.

Talk to yourself, listen to yourself. Learn to trust your inner knowing. That trust allows you to move intuitively towards your purpose, even if it is unknown to you. It won’t always be unknown and this is the magic of the journey- the discovery. Have faith in the uncertainty of your choices because know, in the end, everything will work out exactly how it is meant for you and that what is meant for you has purpose in the bigger picture, the picture that includes all of us. Trust that there is a higher meaning for your life. For all our lives. There is no drop in the ocean that is more valuable than another; all of it has to exist to be the ocean. And the purpose is not to be the biggest drop; the purpose is to be the ocean.

And that’s the point of life, of why we are here with one another. The reason to stand on the earth, look up at the stars above, the galaxies circling us, all that we can and cannot see.

Choose to know that, to trust in that, to wake up every day to that, and watch how the world opens up to you. Watch the magic pour in, because it will.

A small Asian woman entered the store, a woman who has lived a life completely different to me and to Kenneth, but also exactly the same. Kenneth smiled and waved at her and she shyly waved back. The barriers between the three of us were there. But they didn’t have to be. Kenneth was using Google translate to ask her how her time in America was and he found out she had traveled from China to visit her daughter who was attending college in Los Angeles.

I smiled at them both, thankful to be here with them and I knew The Dark Night of the Soul was over for me. That I had braved it, I had endured its challenges, I had felt its pain. I had been its student, and I had passed the final exam. It was over. I had surrendered to it and now I was full of trust- in life, in others, in God, in myself. And I felt full of sincere gratitude for having it visit me. It had cleaved my life into before and after. I was ready for the after because I was truly thankful for the before.

“We are all going to be okay,” I said to myself.

Amal Clooney appeared next to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and smiled.

“I’m proud of you,” I told myself.